I look upon my children’s time at primary school as the honeymoon years.
No more nappies or physical lugging about, but children eager for exploring, having fun and holding us in hero status! And then once they hit secondary school, it felt like it changed overnight. Like Kevin and Perry sketch from the 1990s we watched as reasonableness, understanding and communication all seemed to disintegrate!
So, the age-old question is: how can we build connection and trust with our teenagers?
Here are 5 top tips to get you started.
1 Appreciate their neuroscience. During adolescence, the brain undergoes major roadworks. Neural connections are cut back and reformed, just like pruning a rose bush to allow for healthy new growth.
It can seem like some skills or characteristics temporarily disappear overnight – my teenager for instance turned from having an extensive To Do list and military-style bedroom tidiness to haphazard working and a room piled with clothes that you could hardly open the door.
Added to this, the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that manages and regulates our emotions, doesn’t fully develop until we are in our mid-20s. This is why teenagers seem to react erratically: because they are working off unmoderated emotional gusto. As adults with an intact brain, we can be aware of this, give them space, understand that it isn’t a vendetta against us, and give credence to what they are going through.
2 Be present and listen. Being heard is what a teenager really needs in order to get a sense of feeling valued, and that they matter in this world. In fact, children really only need two things – your love and your time and teenagers are the same (and yes, your money too!). So what’s the secret to listening? It involves stopping anything else and giving our full attention, being in the moment. No phones, emails, TV, or even chopping potatoes. When they want to talk, resist trying to multi-task, focus on them, push aside your judgements and what you want to say. Ask helpful questions, summarise occasionally, and allow silences for them to round up their thoughts.
3 Go easy on advice. The theory is that every seven years is a developmental cycle in the lives of children. From around the age of 14, the programming they’ve received since birth starts to become hardwired, and this involves sifting through what to hold onto and what to let go, experimenting and pushing the boundaries.
This can be destabilising at best, so the last thing teenagers want is adults telling them they ‘know best’ and advising them on ‘how they should do’ things. Even if the solution seems patently obvious to us, what they really need is confidence in their own ability to think things out for themselves. If you believe you hold important advice, listen to what they have to say first, then ask if they would like to hear your suggestions.
4 Focus on understanding and empathy. It’s common not to see eye to eye with our children. We have a few years on them with our experience from a different generation, whilst they are seeing the world with fresh eyes (and their brain under development). So standing fast to our views might not get us far, and can cause disconnection. Instead, ask questions to uncover what’s really important to them beneath what they are saying. Explain the reasons for your viewpoint and show empathy and understanding for their difference in thinking. This not only connects you but also role models healthy ways of disagreeing.
5 Build resilience, show yourself care. Parenting is not for the faint hearted! A lot of the time it’s fulfilling and enjoyable, and a lot of the time it can be challenging, frustrating and exhausting. The best care you can take in these times is for yourself. Prioritising rest and healthy habits, taking space and time to do something for yourself, and above all giving yourself kindness when things don’t work out.
We tend to be very good at blaming ourselves and stewing in things we’ve done that we regret. Yet resilience comes from accepting what’s happened, doing what we need to resolve it and then putting it behind us with self-empathy. As parents of teenagers, know that it can be a rocky road and that you aren’t alone.
Our series of courses teaches you a simple 4-step method for having more productive conversations with your teenagers, being able to listen compassionately and speak your truth, and giving yourself empathy.
Find them here www.foryou.commpassion.co.uk
About Penny Newton-Hurley
Stroud-based communications expert Penny Newton-Hurley is launching four online courses designed to support people across the community in navigating difficult conversations with work colleagues, family members, partners, teens, and toddlers.
Penny trained under renowned American psychologist, Marshall Rosenberg in the art of nonviolent communication, a process for supporting partnership and resolving conflict within people, relationships, and society.
A well-known figure in the Stroud community, Penny has worked with leading organisations including the Cabinet Office, Lloyds Bank, and the Ministry of Defence.
She lives in Stroud with her husband Gareth and their two children, Hermione and Sebastian. Outside of her work, she enjoys flying planes, attending military style fitness boot camps, participating in local theatre productions, and volunteering as a prison listener.
