I distinctly remember the counselling lecturer at Stroud College asking the class what our top values are. I had no idea. I didn’t even know what the value was really. I couldn’t name one anyway.
I remember the book I was taking notes in, the colour of the ink, I remember the thought “how have I got to 45 without knowing what my values are?”
I hated myself for missing something so absolutely obvious.
I wrote down a few words. It felt empty. Meaningless.
Over the following years my life changed a lot. I left my long marriage, made a whole load of mistakes, reached points of despair I never imagined, had more fun than I’ve ever had in my life, and delved headlong into the world of personal development and coaching.
I studied, attended events run by people whose lives I admired, read books, listened to interviews with authors and began working with my values, signing up to a 12-month community dedicated to living 100% within our values, became part of the coaching world myself and kept revisiting the question.
“What do I really value?”
It has at times been messy, I have taken wrong turns and I have circled back.
But with the help of my mentors, I have managed to keep my head, my heart and my mind in the same seat for long enough to have a basic understanding of who I am, what my big “why” is, and to have a sense of which opportunities are taking me closer to my highest values and which are distancing me from them.
When I have strong feelings about any situation, any person or any choice, I go back to my values.
“Is this really who I am?” “What is this discomfort telling me?”
Because the thing about living this way is that it pushes people away. Values result in boundaries, and a boundary is a barrier between me and others. Of course.
All of this feels so obvious now, and is easy enough to write about. But it has been and continues to be a journey to the self.
It is a protection from caring about what other people think, caring about the perception and reactions of others to anything and everything about me.
Because to the best of my ability, I am living in a way that aligns.
And that makes it easy to exist in a disrupted world full of contradictions and injustice. Or easier anyway.
It’s not all glamour, but it feels so good. Mostly.
Clare Honeyfield is a founder, coach and writer based in Stroud
