By Jane Mann
Why does the divorce rate soar in January? Is it the vile weather, the Christmas/New Year hangover, or could it be the feeble attempts at Christmas presents which some men make?
And, why do you chaps leave the most important part of Christmas until Christmas Eve?
Most women wonder WHY these forlorn chaps are roaming the supermarket aisles at 4pm on December 24th, looking for something – anything – that will get them out of trouble. Only it won’t…
Because, if you get something from the supermarket, or worse still – garage forecourt flowers, which look as if they were picked off a roundabout – she will know. She probably spends more time in the supermarket than you do, so she knows where you got them, and will take a dim view of the lack of effort.
Women try to make it easy for their men. They’ll say “Just get me smellies” not knowing this puts terror into the heart of many men. There are so many bottles in the bathroom which are incomprehensible: how’s a sensible chap meant to know which she wants?
Then there’s underwear. Men buy the wrong size and have a penchant for PVC. Seriously chaps. If we wanted that sort of thing, we’d buy it ourselves.
So why do you men leave it to the last minute?
Because you find it so hard, that’s why.
You know you have to get her something lovely, or your life won’t be worth living.
You know the mantra: happy wife = happy life, but, if you’re like most men, you’re utterly flummoxed by the gargantuan and thankless task. And you have a sinking feeling that, whatever you get, it’ll be wrong.
So, you sit there panicking on Christmas morning as she unwraps your present:
The anxiety starts… Does she like it? Is she just being nice?
You have the entire day ahead of you… The kids are coming later, but what sort of day is it going to be? You just don’t know…
But what the hell do women want?
Ever since the first chap put quill to vellum, wise and intelligent men have been trying to work out how to make, and keep, women happy. Alas, even Einstein couldn’t compute that one, leaving the average – and even above average – man fairly clueless in that department.
This is exacerbated when it comes to buying her gifts, and particularly when presenting them. Women like things to look pretty. Men are generally unbothered. Yet most shops will wrap for you if you ask. The comments I hear from my female Clients range from
“He’s useless at Christmas shopping…”
“I have to buy my own presents because he just doesn’t bother.”
“When he wraps anything it looks as if he’s had a fight with a Sellotape dispenser and a lawnmower, and lost.”
“I bought and wrapped my own present…” But seriously, boys, you can do better than this. Wise men delegate, because another woman said:
“That present he got me from you was the best one he’s ever got me.”
(This is because her sensible husband texted me, I wrapped up a gorgeous selection and posted it. He was relieved, and she was delirious with joy. A very Merry Christmas was had in that household, and they’re still happily married…. Want a happy household? Message firstname.lastname@example.org for Christmas help.
Jane Mann is a much sought-after facialist in the Cotswolds, although many of her clients drive from far further afield to enjoy her slow-ageing skin treatments.
She occasionally tweets over on @OrganicBeaut and her Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/TheOrganicBeautician